Thursday, May 24, 2012

In awe.

I am completely in awe of all the mamas around me that somehow get up each day and do way more than their fair share which is each and every one of them. With my small load, I still feel as though if anything were added, I would spontaneously combust. Somehow, I'm making it through each day, but I looked in the mirror this afternoon and my eyes were sunken, my skin pale, my hair unwashed. I was shocked at what I saw. Wasn't I just dancing and singing with both kids in my arms not two minutes ago? When I let Keats watch "Pocoyo" while he ate his snack and sat on my lap, Frida sleeping in the other room, I fell asleep. I woke up at the end of the seven-minute "episode." (Keats hadn't moved an inch.) Is my body so starved for rest that it will fall asleep within seconds and take what it can get in that ridiculous time slot? Apparently.

I've struggled to keep up with my resolution of writing each day. My brain just freezes almost with the same consistency as my computer before it completely died a few days ago. Without the use of my computer (and photo processing software) writing each day has become even more difficult. So, I put out a request on good ol' Facebook and received some responses. Chickens, babies, projects, pictures, and my lovely friends. So I'm working on it. I promise, each one will be written but it may take a bit and a while.

Like I said, I'm in awe. I watch from my little place here and I am at a loss as to how you all do it. Friends, family, strangers... bloggers everywhere seem to be doing more with their time than I can see is possible with my own. Is this simply the virtual world playing tricks? Or am I lazy? A simplistic, do-the-minimal parent? I try to make my home a beautiful place and to give my children all the love and patience I can, but what happens when I am just too tired, too exhausted to give my family my all? What do I do to combat this when "sleep more" isn't an option?

I'm more than excited to see one of my very best friends in just a few days (who I haven't seen in months), to see my dear sister in just a few months (who I haven't seen in YEARS), and to see some more dear friends in the fall (who I also haven't seen in years). That said, and please don't understand the following to detract from my joy at the previous, I am feeling a serious hole within myself. I know who I am missing. I also know there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. I've done what I can and in some cases it's not enough; in others, it will take months or years to know the end result. Some people are just gone.

I'll leave it there for now, but know that I'm ruminating, writing, and mulling it over here in the background in a place that is so gorgeous and fresh I can barely believe it's home with my wonderful, dear family here at my side. Do not worry. We all have these times in life, right?

All my love.

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